10 things older people would like younger people to know

As part of a project called The Legacy Project blog, well-​known US geron­tol­o­gist and his team com­piled some advice from some US seniors who are over 70.

BY: Pro­fes­sor Karl Pillemer

In con­tem­po­rary soci­ety, we don’t often ask our elders for advice. We’re much more likely to talk to pro­fes­sion­als, read books by pop psy­chol­o­gists or moti­va­tional speak­ers, or troll the Inter­net for solu­tions to our prob­lems. In gen­eral (and for the first time in human his­tory), we no longer look to our society’s old­est mem­bers as a key source of wis­dom for how to live hap­pier, health­ier, and more ful­fill­ing lives.

As a geron­tol­o­gist, I have come to believe that this atti­tude is a seri­ous mis­take. Older indi­vid­u­als (espe­cially per­sons age 70 and beyond) are in fact the most cred­i­ble experts we have avail­able for knowl­edge about how to live well through hard times. They have been through unique his­tor­i­cal expe­ri­ences – such as the Great Depres­sion and World War II – that have taught them how to thrive in the face of adver­sity. And they have per­son­ally expe­ri­enced many of the tragedies younger peo­ple dread, giv­ing them the abil­ity to advise the rest of us about resilience in the face of ill­ness and loss.

Over the past six years, I’ve con­ducted a research project designed to tap the prac­ti­cal wis­dom of older Amer­i­cans. Using sev­eral dif­fer­ent social sci­ence meth­ods, I’ve col­lected responses from over 1,200 elders to the ques­tion: “Over the course of your life, what are the most impor­tant lessons you would like to pass on to younger peo­ple?” I then combed through the responses, and the result was a set of lessons for liv­ing from the peo­ple I have called “the wis­est Americans”.

As I look back over years of talk­ing with America’s elders, 10 lessons stand out as those they would like to con­vey to young peo­ple. Read these “Top 10 Lessons for Liv­ing” and see how they apply to your own life:

1. Choose a career for the intrin­sic rewards, not the finan­cial ones – Although many grew up in poverty, the elders believe that the biggest career mis­take peo­ple make is select­ing a pro­fes­sion based only on poten­tial earn­ings. A sense of pur­pose and pas­sion for one’s work beats a big­ger pay­check any day.

2. Act now like you will need your body for a hun­dred years – Stop using “I don’t care how long I live” as an excuse for bad health habits. Behav­iours like smok­ing, poor eat­ing habits and inac­tiv­ity are less likely to kill you than to sen­tence you to years or decades of chronic dis­ease. The elders have seen the dev­as­ta­tion that a bad lifestyle causes in the last decades of life – act now to pre­vent it.

3. Say “yes” to oppor­tu­ni­ties – When offered a new oppor­tu­nity or chal­lenge, you are much less likely to regret say­ing “yes” and more likely to regret turn­ing it down. They sug­gest you take a risk and a leap of faith when oppor­tu­nity knocks.

4. Choose a mate with extreme care – The key is not to rush the deci­sion, tak­ing all the time needed to get to know the prospec­tive part­ner and to deter­mine your com­pat­i­bil­ity with them. Said one respon­dent: “Don’t rush in with­out know­ing each other deeply. That’s very dan­ger­ous, but peo­ple do it all the time.”

5. Travel more – Travel while you can, sac­ri­fic­ing other things if nec­es­sary to do so. Most peo­ple look back on their travel adven­tures (big and small) as high­lights of their lives and regret not hav­ing trav­elled more. As one elder told me, “If you have to make a deci­sion whether you want to remodel your kitchen or take a trip – well, I say, choose the trip!”

6. Say it now – Peo­ple wind up say­ing the sad words – “it might have been” – by fail­ing to express them­selves before it’s too late. The only time you can share your deep­est feel­ings is while peo­ple are still alive. Accord­ing to an elder we spoke with: “If you have a grudge against some­one, why not make it right, now? Make it right because there may not be another oppor­tu­nity, who knows? So do what you can do now.

7. Time is of the essence – Live as though life is short – because it is. The point is not to be depressed by this knowl­edge but to act on it, mak­ing sure to do impor­tant things now. The older the respon­dent, the more likely they were to say that life goes by aston­ish­ingly quickly. Said one elder: “I wish I’d learned that in my 30s instead of in my 60s!”

8. Hap­pi­ness is a choice, not a con­di­tion – Hap­pi­ness isn’t a con­di­tion that occurs when cir­cum­stances are per­fect or nearly so. Sooner or later you need to make a delib­er­ate choice to be happy in spite of chal­lenges and dif­fi­cul­ties. One elder echoed almost all the oth­ers when she said: “My sin­gle best piece of advice is to take respon­si­bil­ity for your own hap­pi­ness through­out your life.”

9. Time spent wor­ry­ing is time wasted – Stop wor­ry­ing. Or at least cut down. It’s a colos­sal waste of your pre­cious life­time. Indeed, one of the major regrets expressed by the elders was time wasted wor­ry­ing about things that never happened.

10. Think small – When it comes to mak­ing the most of your life, think small. Attune your­self to sim­ple daily plea­sures and learn to savour them now.

As the hol­i­days approach, that last les­son is a great one to think about. Because of their aware­ness that life is short, the elders have become attuned to the minute plea­sures that younger peo­ple often are only aware of if they have been deprived of them – a morn­ing cup of good cof­fee, a warm bed on a win­ter night, a brightly coloured bird feed­ing on the lawn, an unex­pected let­ter from a friend, even a favourite song on the radio (all plea­sures men­tioned in my inter­views). Pay­ing spe­cial atten­tion to these “microlevel” events forms a fab­ric of hap­pi­ness that lifts them up on a daily basis. They believe the same can be true for younger peo­ple as well – and it’s well worth a try at any age!

Pro­fes­sor Karl Pille­mer is a Cor­nell Uni­ver­sity geron­tol­o­gist and author of the book “30 Lessons for Liv­ing: Tried and True Advice from the Wis­est Amer­i­cans”. He also launched in July The Legacy Project blog, which shares prac­ti­cal advice from over 1,200 older Amer­i­cans who have lived through extra­or­di­nary expe­ri­ences and his­tor­i­cal events. They offer tips on sur­viv­ing and thriv­ing despite the chal­lenges they have encountered.

** PHOTO CREDIT: stock.xchng, coun­cil by andreyutzu.